This isn't my usual lovely jubbly post but I just had to write and get out what I've been feeling and what's been happening. I recently started a second job at Coach which has been amazing and everyone has surprisingly been so so nice. I had three days of training and then I was on the floor selling. My shift was for a Saturday. I got home after my other job on Friday and went to check on the love of my life, Hamish. Hamish, as silly as it sounds, was my best friend and my baby. When I lifted his house he was completely still and had hard shallow breaths. He was dying. He hadn't been too well for the past 3 weeks - not well in that he acted fine. He ate, drank, pee'd everything but he had a huge abdomen. I mean 2 golf balls on either side of him. I have never been so sad and heartbroken in my life. I was crying over him, stroking him, singing to him and telling him that everything is alright and that God would take care of him. I kept repeating "if you have to let go it's okay". He was my baby. I was full out weeping. I know that this sounds silly and over dramatic for a hamster, but if you have ever lost an animal, doesn't matter what breed/species, you will understand the heartache that I felt and still feel. I sat with him for about 3 hours waiting for him to leave but he was still trying to hold on. I felt that I needed to leave him alone and let him focus and rest. I don't know if this was the right thing to do but it's what I felt at the time. I went to bed that night and was so terrified of falling asleep because I knew that in the morning I would have to wake up and make a grave for my baby. When I did wake up early in the morning, the weather was a direct reflection of how I was feeling. Rain and thunder. It was like God was crying with me. I could not stop crying. Once the hole was dug I knew that it was time to get Hamish. It took me a good hour to stop staring at him and gather up the courage and have the mind set to pick up his stiff body and put him in the box that I made for him with all of his favorite treats and toys. Burying him was the most traumatic experience of my life. I have been bullied and been through my parents destructible divorce and all I ever felt was anger. With Hamish it was an undeniable heart wrenching pain that still has not gone away. It has taken me a week to tidy my room and pack away Hamish's things. Maybe this was a bit self destructive but I couldn't bear the thought and fact that he was gone. Maybe I could have done more. Maybe it was my fault. 3 hours after I buried him I had to go to my 'first' day at Coach. I walked in and one of my managers asked me if I was okay. I wasn't and for the first time in my life I cried in public. I know that he was tired, too tired for his small beautiful body. I thought that the fact that he was now no longer in pain or exhausted would help, but nothing has or will. It's a process.
I don't think I will ever get over Hamish or the love that I felt for him and the love I know he felt for me. We had an undeniable bond that wont ever be replaced.
Hamish is and always will be, my baby.
